The Six Million Dollar Man

This is more or less the kind of email that I've been sending to millions after millions of possible landlords:

Hi,

I like your flat. At least there are no dead mice or cockroatches lying around in the pictures that you've sent me. That's always a huge plus.

Regards,

Jope

1. MISSING! I've lost the first email that I sent to this email address! Sorry. But, hey. It was more or less like the previous example (see above).
2. This one was sent to me. (Jope <3 The English of Spaniards)

   Good morning JOPE.

   First of all, Thank you for your interest in my flat.

   The flat is a 4ª without lift but the stairs are very confortables to up.

   The flat is full equip and furnished. Has Two bedrooms. Has a lot of natural light.

   It is very close to the University, no more ten minutes walk..

   The price is XXX (haha, suckers!) + electricity + gas. The rest of the taxes are paid for me.

   The flat have been rend in other occasions to student of this University

   I can show the flat when you want.

   Are you going to study or work in the University?

   Thanks so much.

   If you have any cuestions, please don´t hesitate to ask me.

3. Then, it's my turn. Of course...

   Hi,
   
   I'd be very interested in taking a tour around the place! I'm going to the university as an exchange student. I'm going to study Biomedical Engineering.
   
   Is it possible to rent the place, say, from September to December? Then, we could possibly make a new contract after a few trial months?
   
   I'm coming to Madrid with my parents on the 31st of August. So, I'd be able to come and see the place on the 1st of September. Should we schedule an appointment? At 12 AM or 1 PM, for example?
   
   Please, could you send me the address of the apartment?
   
   Regards,
   
   Jope
   
   PS. This might sound strange, but... Um, what's your name?

4. ... Catch!

   Good morning JOPE,

   First of all, my name is MR. LANDLORD GUY, I’m sorry I should ought to tall you before.

   In Spain, not it is normal to rent a flat during a few months for trial, the normal is rent for 1 year, but in your case like you are a student, I could rent during University course (9-10 months).

   In any case I would like to show you the flat, because I have never had problem with the rent because when I have showed the flat, the person who looks at the first time he has wanted to rent, because it is a nice place. Believe me!!

   The flat always have been rent to students of the University Carlos III through “ALOJA Program”

   I have a great and nice relation with the University because my wife is University graduate by this University. We are serious and legal people and you will not have problems with us.

   When do you arrive to Madrid? I ask this because I will go to the holidays the first of September, but if I would not be able to show the flat, my sister in law will be the person in charge to show it.

   Don´t worry because she speaks English.

   The address of the flat is PLAZA DE APARTAMENTO,

   I forward a picture to you with a map from google map. Where inside of a yellow circle is the Campus of the University, and inside of a red circle and the letter A is the location of the flat. Like you can see it is very close. Also between them, you have the bus station to go to Madrid and comeback, each 5 minutes and during 24 hours.

   We will make a legal tenancy agreement and is mandatory to pay also one month as a deposit.

   I wait your mail, thanks so much.

   Regards.

5. Mr. Landlord Guy sent me some pretty smoking-hot photos of the flat. At this point, I almost knew this had to be something good:

   Hi again,
   
   Well, as far as I can tell, I'll be very similar to your previous tenants: I've liked all the photos that you've sent me, I like the location and even the price. So, in other words I feel that I'll be more than ready to rent the flat after seeing it.
   
   I will arrive in Madrid with my parents on the 31st of August, very late at night. So, the 1st of September is really the first possible day for me to come and have a look at the flat. I have a hotel room reserved until the 4th of September (Sunday, until noon). As I'm sure you understand, I'd appreciate it if I could come and see the place before Sunday the 4th. So, when would it be possible for you, or your sister in law, to show me the flat?
   
   In case that we end up closing the deal in September, would it be possible to pay the first rent + the deposit straight to your bank account? I mean, I'd hate to walk around carrying XXX euros in my pockets.
   
   Best Regards,
   
   Jope

6. I might actually get a CLEAN apartment! Read this:

   Good morning JOPE,
   
   
   Of course that you must visit the flat and then ……………….
   *... if you like it we will make a Contract.*....if you don´t like it, only say ....... thanks for your interest !!!!.
   
   
   I don´t have any problem that you pay me in my bank account.
   
   Would be possible to show the flat on the first of September at first time in the morning, 9:00 A.M.
   
   Nowadays, the flat is taken and will be free the last week of august.
   I hope to have a day off to clean and prepare it.
   
   When do you want to start to live in the flat? Do you come back to Finland the 4th of september?
   
   Where is your hotel? Is it in Leganes?
   I ask for give directions to you about to where we can meet.
   
   Regards.

7. My response:

   Hello again Mr. Landlord Guy,
   
   9 AM works fine for me. And actually, I guess it would be easier for me and my parents if we took a taxi from our hotel. At least in that way we can be fairly sure that we find the flat. So, we could meet somewhere close to the apartment? I won't go back to Finland before Christmas, so no: I'm not coming back here on the 4th, or the 5th. Instead, my studies at UC3M start on Monday the 5th.
   
   Regads,
   
   Jope

8. This next email was actually sent in a rather peculiar way. There was nothing in the email itself, but instead a PDF-file was attached to the email. This is what I found written in the file:

   Good morning JOPE,
   
   For me we can meet at University, or in the main gate of the AVENIDA MUY GRANDE wedding
   Restaurant (Avda. cerca del Apartamento) it is close to the BP petrol station
   
   I suppose that you are going to visit more flats.
   As I am going to go on holidays the first of September, when you decide if you want to rent the
   flat, my mother in law will meet with you and give you the keys.
   In that moment:
   * I prefer you pay in cash XXX e. and then by bank the rest.
   * I´ll need a copy of your Passport.
   
   When I´ll come back the fifteenth I ´ll visit you and signature the contract.
   
   Regards.

9. At this point you have to get a strong hold of the fish, grab a club and go for the kill:

   Hi,
   
   The restaurant works fine for me. It should be a relatively easy task for us both to spot each other there, right? I've added a photo of myself as an attachment to this email. (Could you do the same, by the way?) So, Thursday the 1st at 9 AM in front of the restaurant?
   
   Could you be prepared to sign a contract right away in case I'm willing to do so?
   
   I'll take the XXX euros and a copy of my passport with me, in any case.
   
   Regards,
   
   Jope

10. I got the photo! And some text, too:

    Hi, ......

    It is perfect for me.

    The contract is in spanish. It is a problem for you?

    I need your full name and the number of passport, for fill up the contract.

    Here enclose a contract where you can see the equipment and furnitures (appendix 1)

    Regards

11. Oh, f***..! Spanish! Despite my not-very-sunshine-filled first thoughts, I think I was able to rifle through the contract, thanks to none other than Google Translate! Then, a response:

    Hello again,
    
    The contract seems to be quite normal in almost all aspects. There was just one thing that I'd like you to correct:
    
    'El arrendamiento se establece por un plazo de 1 año, a contar desde el día 1 de septiembre de 2.011'
    
    As you know, I'm leaving Madrid in June 2012. I hope you are able to make modifications to the contract?
    
    Here's my name and passport number:
    
    Given names: Jope
    Surname: Six Million Dollar Man
    Nationality: Finland
    Passport no.: PUPPY666 (Umm, no: this is not an Internet nickname of mine.)
    
    Best regards,
    
    Jope

12. A quick response:

    Hi,

    .................... morning

    Here you are the contract , I have changed the dates.

    Don,t worry for anything. I have written 30 of june, but it,s only ilustrative.

    Regards.

13. Y por fin, la respuesta última en español:

    Hola,
    
    Muy bien! Entonces, nos vemos el 1º de septiembre a las 9 al lado del restaurante.
    
    Un abrazo
    
    Jope